


Jump your bones

by Jixico



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Bodyswap, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Mostly Finished, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, set in an AU where valkyrie isnt a destroyed depressed mess of a human being after the time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 10:00:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20338282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jixico/pseuds/Jixico
Summary: Working title was "shameless valdug bodyswap fic of doom"Original title was better lmao





	Jump your bones

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to work on this more but I got busy with other things. 
> 
> Enjoy it for what it is: A crock of shameless smutty garbage. Who knows if I'll ever come back to it
> 
> Reminder that i haven't read any phase 2 books bc you can't make me, so this is all based on stuff that I've either assumed or have heard happens.

Valkyrie’s calves and thighs burned with exhaustion as her legs pumped desperately, trying to catch up. The streets of London passed by her in a blur. Passersby’s turned their heads to watch her bolt down the pavement. Her worn shoes beat a rough staccato rhythm between pauses as she pushed between dawdling couples. She slapped apart a pair of held hands. Stupid bloody inconvenient lovers. 

She ducked into an alley. One man’s wolf whistle echoed against the dumpsters and mossy brick walls. Valkyrie muttered something foul through her teeth as she spared a moment to make sure none of the mortals had followed her out of curiosity. 

The alley was empty from where she stood in murky mid afternoon shadows, up to the mouth that was bathed in weak British sunlight. Beyond that were parked cars: empty. 

Valkyrie took a few steps back for a run up. She ran, leapt against one slimy wall and kicked off it, arms windmilling out. Her outstretched hands hit the bars of a window on the opposite wall and wrenched herself upward. Her white magic flickered; bloomed. She felt a little more weightless, and the side of the building began rushing downward as she shot into the air. She emerged from the top of the skyline in seconds, and let herself drop to the rooftop, falling into a roll to keep momentum. 

Once again her legs propelled her forward. Her lungs were starting to burn, but her breath hitched a moment and suddenly she could ignore the pain a little longer. Valkyrie had spotted a whirl of dark fabric a few rooftops over. She smirked. 

There was a brief crackle of lightning, then a loud crack. A masculine voice cursed. The chimney she spied across the way was suddenly missing a few bricks, and the man that had hid behind it was once again on the run. Valkyrie flexed her fingers to call more lightning with a grin. 

Then her grin dropped.

The man in the tight black clothes was now running towards her, not away. 

Valkyrie leapt to the next rooftop to meet him, and assumed a defensive stance. She steadied herself. Analysed her opponent.

He was handsome, that much she could tell, even as he grimaced and hurtled towards her. He had a face like a Bollywood movie star. He was tall, athletic, but there was something odd about the way he moved. She squinted, trying to parse it. 

He leaped over the last gap between his building and the one she stood on. At the peak of his jump he seemed to hang in the air and jerk strangely, like an animation that ran at a slow frame rate. And he was quick. Within moments he was within range of her charged fists.

She jabbed a punch that seemed like a surefire hit to his nose, but he disappeared again for that flicker of a moment and redirected her blow harmlessly to the side. The heel of his palm connected with her ribs. Her clothing dispersed the impact, but the impact caught her off guard. She hit back with lightning. The man jumped away from her in panic. 

“Knare, I’m asking you nicely if you’d like to come in quietly to the Sanctuary for questioning.”

“The lightning is nice, is it?” He quipped back in a cocky British accent.

“In comparison to what else is on its way? Absolutely.”

“I’ll have to politely decline still, thanks.”

He smiled kindly, then sprinted towards her again. Valkyrie readied herself for another tussle. This time the barrage of blows came hard and fast. Knare seemed to be dropping frames almost constantly, so much so that she could barely see a palm to the ribs or a kick to her shin before they landed. Valkyrie pulled her shield around her to ward off his attacks. She lashed out with what little lightning she could manage. She attempted to whip a strike at his sternum and was met with a punch to the jaw. 

Valkyrie’s world tilted. She stumbled back in time to miss a blow to the side of her head, but copped a suckerpunch to the sternum that sent her reeling. 

“That’s a bit rude.” Rumbled a familiar voice from behind Knare. 

Knare turned to receive a skeletal fist to the face. 

Valkyrie pulled herself together in time to see him hop backward from the Skeleton detective. Knare reached a hand to touch his bloodied face and clucked his tongue. 

“Two against one? I thought we were all better than that.”

“We’re not.” Said Skulduggery. 

Knare smiled through the blood that was now running from his nose. It stained his impeccably straight teeth a gory crimson. 

“Well that’s a pity.”

Skulduggery threw himself at Knare. He cracked an elbow into his sternum. Knare hit back with an unusual thumb jab that made the skeleton gasp in pain. Valkyrie gave herself the briefest moment to collect herself, then added her own violence to the mix. 

She leaped at the man with a feint, with the intent to put him off balance to create an opening for her partner. Instead Knare flickered and a thumb jab hit her in the chest. 

It was like being kicked in the chest by a horse. 

Seeing he’d caught her completely off guard, he peppered her with more jabs. Knare weathered a beating from behind by Skulduggery in favour of jabbing Valkyrie with blows til she couldn’t think, let alone breathe from the pain. She just watched, eyes frozen open, as Knare flickered even faster. 

The man was more empty space than person as he moved to face off against Skulduggery. The detective flexed his hands and the air sharpened. He whipped it towards Knare, but he seemed to move between the buffets. Skulduggery raised his arm to fend off a punch, but Knare suddenly came from a different angle. He jabbed Skulduggery in the side. In the brief moment the skeleton was stunned Knare flickered again and another strike hit Skulduggery in the stomach. 

Knare took a sharp breath in, then slammed his palms into both of the sanctuary agents. 

A wave of magic hit her like a bus. Everything tumbled, shifted, turned wrong way up. Her stomach heaved, then was calmed. Her head whirled. There was something incredibly wrong about the feeling. Her limbs felt disconnected from her brain. For a split second she wondered if he’d broken her spine. 

Valkyrie looked up in time to see a panting Knare standing over them. He was bleeding from the nose, eyes, and ears, and looked a mess. He was still handsome despite it all, but seemed somewhat unhinged. The flickering was calming, but each time he flickered he winced in pain. 

“Well. Detectives,” He panted, “Hope you don’t mind if I pop off. Got places to be. You know how it is.” And he limped to the edge of the roof, and dropped off into the streets below. 

Valkyrie let her head drop to the floor. She could barely move. Nothing felt right. A semblance of feeling slowly returned, but her limbs felt off, like she’d fallen asleep on top of them and the pins and needles hadn’t kicked in yet. To her left she heard someone vomiting. 

Valkyrie tried to close her eyes for a few moments to let her brain settle back into her skull. Her eyes wouldn’t close. 

Panic. 

She willed her unwieldy limbs to push her upright. Beneath her she saw the arms of a beautifully tailored suit jacket and soft leather gloves. She looked up. A few feet away from her was her own body, curled in the foetal position and vomiting all over itself.

“Skulduggery?” She ventured. Her voice came out smooth and masculine. 

The body of Valkyrie coughed. She looked pathetic and filthy, her eyes red and teary. 

“Ah,” Her body coughed, “Valkyrie.”

The voice was feminine, choked, and hoarse, but the cadence was unmistakable. 

Valkyrie moaned and dropped her head to the rough concrete beneath her. 

“Don’t do that” Her own voice said “I’m going to have to buff that scuff out later.”

“Oh god, Skulduggery,”

Valkyrie’s body tried to roll over and sit up. It vomited again. 

“Are you okay?”

Valkyrie’s form waved a hand at her. After a moment where Valkyrie watched her own face go from green, to pale, to a much healthier shade, Skulduggery cleared his throat. 

“I must admit. I don’t miss being able to vomit.” 

“What did Knare do to us?” She groaned “It reminds me of a shunt, but it’s never felt like that before.” 

“Perhaps some kind of experimental shunting? His fighting style seemed to shunt through dimensions from moment to moment. It was hard to counter.”

Valkyrie paused. 

“Does my voice really sound that high pitched?”

“It’s a grace that I don’t have ears with which to bleed from.”

“Oh shut up!”

Skulduggery let loose a chuckle that from his own voice would have been warm and velvety. From Valkyrie’s voice box sounded goofy and pathetic. She couldn’t help but scoff at the absurdity of it all.

Valkyrie struggled to stand up on wobbly legs. Skulduggery wasn’t that much taller than her, but her limbs felt numb and uncomfortable. Unbiddable. She staggered to her feet and lurched to the side of the building. This was where Knare had leapt from moments before, but all she could see below was a bustling street. 

“He’s gone. But even if he was right there I don’t think I could chase him.”

“No.” 

“What do we do?”

“Well I personally would rather not go back to the Sanctuary. I can only imagine the reaction we’d get, going back like this. You smell terrible by the way.”

“It’s not my fault you vomited all over… me.”

“The… what is this, burrito meat? The burrito you ate for lunch was a regrettable choice.” 

Valkyrie wobbled over to where Skulduggery was still collapsed.

“Wow I really can’t smell at all! Silver linings I guess. Do you need help?”

“Everything hurts in fun new ways.” 

“Do you need me to carry you?” 

Valkyrie’s (Skulduggery’s now, she supposed) face looked up at her with absolute indignation. She stifled a grin. Then realised she didn’t need to stifle anything, because she didn’t have a face. 

“I’ll manage.” Skulduggery said, but he winced as he moved. 

The roof they found themselves on was mostly flat and unremarkable. Air conditioning units peppered its surface. It had no fire escapes from the outside. They briefly entertained using magic to get down, but when Skulduggery tried to summon air in his fingers the spaces between only crackled half heartedly with white sparks. Valkyrie whipped up some air but it was blustery and they both agreed it was a little too unstable to be cushioning their fall from a multi-story building. 

All that was left was the boring way down.

“Sorry, I’m out of practice!” She shrugged, as she rifled in Skulduggery’s pockets. She knew he kept them in there somewhere…

“Aha!” She pulled out the carefully rolled set of lockpicking tools. 

Skulduggery put out his hand. 

“What?” She said.

“I’m going to pick the lock.”

“No you’re not, I am.”

“What?”

“I’m the great skeleton detective now. I get to pick the locks.“

“They’re my picks.”

“Then why were they were in my pocket?”

Skulduggery screwed up his face. Valkyrie tried to emulate that signature velvety chuckle. 

Judging by the look on her own face she did it rather well. 

It probably took a few more tries on the door to the stairwell than would have been necessary had Skulduggery been doing the picking, but regardless the lock eventually clicked. She opened the door for him.

“Ladies first?” 

As they moved down the flight Valkyrie watched herself tap her collarbones. Then Skulduggery stopped on the stairs and looked at her pointedly. 

“I didn’t realise that you’d developed a habit.” She said with a laugh, and activated the sigils etched into Skulduggery’s collarbones. The facade crawled over her bones and she couldn’t help but shudder as the strange material filled her mouth with a tongue and her sockets with eyes. 

“That will take some getting used to.”

After descending several flights they popped out at street level. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary despite their rooftop scuffle. People still walked about, cars were still parked. The sun hung a little lower in the sky. Absolutely no sign that a handsome but bloodied, mysteriously flickering man had run by. 

“God, I feel like people are looking at me. I just feel all out of place, like someone’s gonna yell out and say ‘Look at that skinny idiot tripping over their massive feet!’”

“My feet are not massive. Yours are just comically small.” 

“At least I’m not covered in vomit.”

“Touche.”

“So what’s the plan? Find somewhere to lay low?”

He nodded. “A hotel.”

Valkyrie whipped the phone out of her pocket to google for nearby places. She groaned in frustration. She exchanged phones with her partner. Perhaps the hello kitty phone case, though adorable, had not been the best idea. It didn’t quite match the ensemble Skulduggery had chosen that day.

They found a suitable place a few blocks away. The Hotel Faccia was big enough that they wouldn’t be suspicious at all, and more importantly had vacancies. The per-night rate was high, being right in the city centre, but it wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it. It was worth being close to where they’d last spotted Knare. With any luck it would be a good place to restart their investigation. 

They strode into the foyer trying their best to look as if they belonged in their own bodies. Valkyrie still wobbled a little on her feet, as the strange numb feeling hadn’t gone away. Skulduggery seemed to be doing better. Somehow he managed to walk with the same catlike grace he always had. She wondered how he managed that. She felt like her body was drunk while her brain was stone cold sober. She would have asked, but the man at the front desk noticed them and gave a polite smile. 

He was chubby, and greying, with a nose that looked like it had been broken a few times before. 

“We’d like a room.” Skulduggery said. “If you don’t mind.” 

“Of course. Just for the day? Y’know, to uh, clean yourself up. You don’t have to book the night you know.”

Skulduggery went to open his mouth. 

“We’ll take it for the night.” Valkyrie interrupted. 

The man nodded as he clacked at his computer keyboard. 

“May as well enjoy it.” 

He threw a wink at Skulduggery. For a moment his face looked confused. Then, to Valkyrie’s amusement, he blushed. 

“Alright, I’m gonna need some ID.” 

The two of them hesitated, then slowly started to pat their pockets. Where did Skulduggery keep his wallet again? She hesitantly felt at his back pant pocket. A bulge. Thank god. She opened it then desperately tried to cover her scoff with a cough. 

“I am Gerald Me.” She said, desperately trying not to laugh.

“Stephanie Edgely. That’s definitely who I am and not anybody else.” 

Valkyrie shot him a dirty look. Skulduggery smiled smugly.

“Alright, any preference for a room?”

Valkyrie paused. A thought occurred to her. 

“Penthouse.” She said, fingering Skulduggery’s bank card. “If possible.”   
She waved it lazily towards him. The receptionist’s eyebrows shot up. 

Skulduggery shot her a look that said “What do you think you’re doing spending my money on a penthouse suite, Valkyrie”. Valkyrie graced him with a honeyed smile. 

They paid the man and he gave them their keys and directions to their room. Valkyrie sauntered away with a smile. Skulduggery skulked silently behind her to the elevator. 

“What do you think you’re doing spending my money on a penthouse suite, Valkyrie?”

“Shh! I’m Gerald Me, remember?” She said with glee. 

The elevator doors opened and Valkyrie gasped. Skulduggery dragged her into the elevator.

“Skulduggery, you didn’t tell me I was handsome!” 

Valkyrie preened at her reflection in the opposite elevator wall. It was a mirror from ceiling to waist height and gave an excellent view of a dashing, brown skinned man in a handsomely tailored suit. She turned to admire her lean figure. 

“Wow, I’m extremely hot today. Just look at my smouldering green eyes!”

Skulduggery sighed beside her.

“Valkyrie, I’m thinking that you’re enjoying this a little too much. We need to think about what we’re going to do next.”

“Well, first we’re going to clean you up. Priority numero uno. I can’t have my body walking around covered in chuck.”

“And then?”

“And then we’ll talk about it when my body isn’t covered in burrito chunks.”

Skulduggery gave another drawn out sigh. It wasn’t as effective as when he’d had that deep velvety voice. He sounded much cuter. 

The elevator hit the top floor with a ding and a calm robotic voiceover. The double doors opened to reveal a short hallway. Four doors interrupted smooth white walls. The furthest one was theirs. 

The room was cramped, but not too small. Their suite contained a single queen-sized bed, a bathroom, a small kitchen and dining area, and a balcony. Valkyrie stood in the middle of it all, hands on hips, legs akimbo. She allowed herself a satisfied hum. There was always something uplifting about settling into a new place. 

“Valkyrie.” Skulduggery said seriously from behind her, “I have a slight issue with your plan.”

“My plan is perfect.”

“So you’re okay with me washing myself in your body?” 

For a moment she didn’t get it. Then she just about short circuited. 

“Right. Yes. My body. Naked. In a shower. With you washing it.”

“You’re absolutely fine with that?” 

Valkyrie stared at the ceiling. 

“By the high pitched hum you’re making currently, I’m guessing that’s a breach of your personal privacy.” 

“My plan needs a little revision.” Valkyrie buried her face in her hands. She was mortified by the prospect, truth be told. Yes, she knew Skulduggery had seen her naked. She’d been embarrassingly flippant about it when she was younger. But the thought of someone touching her body when she wasn’t even present? The vision of Dr. Nye looming above her materialised in her minds eye. It sent a shiver down her spine. 

“Then we wash the clothes and I’ll simply get changed.”

Valkyrie peeked between her fingers at Skulduggery as he resided in her body. Her shirt was a mess of blood and vomit. He’d somehow managed to get it caked in her hair. She shuddered to think that it might be under her nails. He was frowning up at her. 

“Tell you what,” She began, “Let’s go to the bathroom together. We’ll just… we’ll see how we go.”

Skulduggery didn’t object, for which she was glad. Surprisingly the bathroom wasn’t too small. It had a toilet, a sink, and a bath with a shower head/tap combo. A fluffy white bath matt was spread over slate grey tiles. 

“Shoes and socks off.” She ordered, and Skulduggery complied. He sat on the edge of the bath tub and removed them, neatly placing them beside the door. Soon his bare toes were squirming in the bath matt. If she had eyelids she would have blinked. She supposed it was a sensation that he hadn’t experienced for a few hundred years. She couldn’t begrudge him the feeling of soft fur beneath his feet. 

“Uh, shirt and pants. Let’s uh. Leave the underwear on. That’s fine right? For you?”

Skulduggery nodded and wordlessly began to shimmy her clothes off. He didn’t torment her with any witty quips, which Valkyrie was very glad about. But she saw the way he stared pointedly at the sink when he took off her pants, revealing her black thong. 

As long as they were both feeling awkward about the whole ordeal, she thought with an internal sigh. 

She left him to it, and turned the tap on for the shower. She peeled a glove off to feel the water temperature. The water flowed between her finger bones like they were rocks in a rapid. It was odd. The sensation felt dull, it was hard to tell the temperature. 

Experimentally she reached out to that familiar place where she knew his elemental magic lay. She was always weakest with water, but after some concentration she was able to extend her senses through it. The result was a feeling much more like the way she felt in her own body, and the water felt warm. 

She turned to Skulduggery. He stood in the middle of the room in her underwear, arms away from his body, expression mixed. Was that a slight blush? He looked uncomfortable in any case. Valkyrie couldn’t help looking herself up and down. She knew it was vain to think so, but she looked pretty good, even though she wasn’t as toned and athletic now as she had been. Even with vomit in her hair and blood on her fists. Maybe especially with blood on her fists. 

“Rinse off. Then we’ll run a bath so I can wash your… well, my hair.” 

He did as he was told without so much as a mutter, which she was equal parts grateful and nervous about. But the sigh he released when he got under the hot water was a familiar one. 

“Sore muscles huh? I might have overdone it a little bit today. I’m still not quite where I was before.”

“Knare got in a few good blows.” He said, turning slightly to look at a bruise blossoming on her side. It was a mottled mess of red and yellow. The way Skulduggery held himself it must have been tender. Thinking on it, her bones felt fine. Knare had left no lasting damage on her, she could easily fight again already. 

Skulduggery was drenched through in a few moments. The worst of her lunch had spiralled down the plughole, leaving only the mashed in blood and the mess in her hair. She held out one of the fluffy hotel towels to him. He wrapped it around himself while she put in the bath plug and ran the tap. 

They waited in silence while the bath filled. Valkyrie noticed he was shivering and clicked her fingers to ignite a spark, which she fed into small flames. He moved a bit closer to her, rubbing the goosebumps away from his bare arms. 

“This scenario seems familiar.” He murmured. 

“A part of me wishes I could still do this for myself.”

“Would you have chosen elemental magic, given the chance?” 

She stared at the crackling flames that bloomed in her palms. The warmth between her fingers was comforting, but alien. Once it had felt so exciting to summon flames, a thrill of being alive, like leaping into the air and knowing soft ground would catch you. Now it was foreign, a disconnection.

“I honestly don’t know. I’m almost relieved that I never had to make the choice. I wouldn’t have chosen one or the other. I wanted all of it.”

“If you were an elemental you could dry yourself.” He smirked.

“That would have been the deciding factor.” 

When the bath was filled she turned the tap off and motioned for him to step in. She peeled off her other glove and rummaged in the little basket of hotel goods by the sink for some shampoo. She found it, as well as soap, and conditioner, and grabbed a chair from the kitchen. As a last minute thought she went through the pockets of her discarded clothes and found a soothing rock. She chucked it into the bath, where it began to dissolve with a hiss. 

She plonked herself in the chair behind where he sat, submerged to his chest in water. She went to pour shampoo in her hand and then stopped. The gaps in his falanges stared back at her.

Right. Skeleton. 

Instead she unceremoniously dumped it on her hair and started to lather it in. What a nightmare getting soap out of his bone crevices was going to be. 

“Alright,” She said, slowly working the goo into his scalp. “Let’s make a plan.”

“Do you have anything in mind?” He asked. His voice was low and breathy. This was the most relaxed he’d ever heard him. Did Skulduggery miss taking baths? Even if he didn’t, hot water was a magical thing for tired muscles.

“Personally I’d rather try and fix it ourselves before going back to the sanctuary.”

“I agree. I can only imagine how much certain parties would enjoy seeing us in this… state.”

“You mean China would have a field day.”

“She’d never let me hear the end of it.” He agreed. “No, the way I see it we have two options. We either hunt down Knare and make him put us back,”

“I mean, I could use a little bit of your elemental magic, but not enough to beat him. We have the advantage now of knowing what he’s capable of, but I don’t think that outweighs our disadvantages.”

“And as brilliant as I am I’m not sure I could learn your magic better than you in the space of a few hours.”

“So what’s the other option?”

“We wait and see if it sorts itself out.”

Valkyrie thought a moment. 

“It worked with when I was half shunted the last time. We just waited and it fixed itself. It took a while though.” 

“Exactly my thinking. Of course, there’s the chance that us waiting longer to get help just makes it harder to put us back.” 

“If that’s the case we just hunt down Knare and punch him til he fixes us.” 

“Good plan.” Skulduggery sighed contentedly. Now that was a surprise.

She was massaging the shampoo into his scalp. It must have felt good. She moved her hands to the nape of her neck, a spot she often massaged on herself and wished she could have someone else do for her. It was difficult to find someone she trusted enough. She’d only let her mother, in recent memory. 

As she kneaded the tense tendons Skulduggery let out a quiet moan. She paused. 

“Guess you don’t get massages much when you’re a skeleton.” She chuckled nervously, noticing the way the skin on his cheeks flushed pinker. 

“Not for at least a few hundred years or so.”

She laughed. 

“Alright then you goon, lean forward and I’ll do your shoulders. If that’s okay?”

He said nothing, but leant forward regardless. She coiled the hair into a snake and put it over one shoulder, out of the way. She began swiping her fingers over the muscles of her shoulders and upper back, tried to knead out some tense knots. 

Was this weird? It was her own body. She knew that when she was eventually back in it she’d appreciate having those painful spots worked out of her neck. But it was still Skulduggery. Her best friend, her partner. Would she do this for him if he had skin? She doubted he’d let her. It was just because it was her body, her territory, so it was her rules. 

To be honest, being close like this was a nice change. 

She moved back to her hair and started working in the conditioner. When the ends were all covered she bundled it up in a hair tie.

“Should we do the rest of my body or is that too weird? That’s weird isn’t it. I think it’s weird.”

“Pass me the soap. Your hands are filthy.” 

She obliged and watched him wash the blood from her hands. It was a little clumsy, but the man wasn’t used to having flesh, so she let him have this one. 

She also noticed the way her body’s nipples were stiff under her wet sports bra but chose to completely ignore it. He was probably cold. 

“Alright, you rinse out your hair, I’ll get your clothes clean. This place probably has a laundry somewhere, right? I’ll be back soon.”

Valkyrie went on an expedition with a mission to explore the rest of the hotel and discover what it had to offer.

She spoke again to the man at the front desk about finding somewhere to wash her clothes. He was, she realised, somewhat more insufferable now that there wasn’t a woman in his presence. He kept making jibes about how Valkyrie had a hot, naked young woman alone in his penthouse. It made her want to barf. 

Regardless, he pointed her to a coin laundry in another room on the ground floor. She once again used Skulduggery’s money (and used the most expensive setting, they really needed a good clean), and let the machine run. 

She went back to the front desk to give the man a piece of her mind, but noticed he’d stepped out. Instead there was a small sign at both the desk and the front door that said “Out for food, back in 10”.

The long cool shadows of evening had stretched their hands over the city, and rain spattered the streets. Street lights and headlights illuminated the sidewalk with soft reflected light. Her body would be getting hungry about now. 

Valkyrie smiled a smile that she knew was very handsome, and stepped out of the hotel. Maybe she couldn’t smell now, but she was confident there was some gnocchi napoletana out there that had her stomach’s name on it, and she was keen to sniff it out. 

She returned victorious, and more than a little satisfied. The woman that served her at the pizzaria had fluttered her big does in Valkyrie’s direction. If Valkyrie had flirted a little, if Valkyrie had taken full advantage of her handsome visage, who was to judge? 

As the elevator took her back up to their suite she admired herself in the reflection again. Damn, she looked good as Skulduggery. She ran a hand over her manly stubble. It was difficult to feel through the leather gloves as well as the permanent dulled sensation that she realised must be Skulduggery’s permanent state of being. Her actions definitely looked clumsy in comparison to his. Still hot though, even without the catlike grace. 

The doors opened and he walked the short distance from the hall to their room and opened it with the key. 

Skulduggery just about leaped onto her. 

“Valkyrie.” He said, sounding extremely distressed. 

“Skulduggery? What happened? Is something wrong?” She looked him over. He seemed fine, though a little bedraggled. 

“I need to use the bathroom.”

“Oh. OH! Oh god. Uh. Please, just go do it. Don’t make a big deal of it!”

“Alright.” He said, and marched his towel-swathed form into the bathroom.

Valkyrie sat down at the small dining table, placed the gnocchi container on the table, and her head in her hands. If she had blood she was certain it would be rushing in her ears. But as she currently didn’t have blood, she just sat in a pool of her own panic and discomfort. 

When she heard a flush she was both mortified and relieved. 

Skulduggery closed the door behind him with a solid click. Valkyrie’s head snapped up. His face was flushed slightly red, but otherwise inscrutable. 

“I bought you gnocchi.” She offered helpfully, reflectively. 

“I’m going to have to do that again at some point.”

“You sure are. Have some gnocchi.”

She grabbed him a fork from the kitchen and forcefully offered it to him. He took it without looking at her and sat at the table. He opened the plastic container somewhat suspiciously, but then his eyes glazed over. Valkyrie knew that look on her face. The pasta must smell amazing.

She felt sorry for the poor gnocchi after that. It didn’t stand a chance. It was a warzone of sauce and potato. It was a trainwreck.   
Valkyrie couldn’t look away. 

Skulduggery sat back and sighed. 

“I missed being able to taste.” 

“Anything else you want to do while you’re in my body?” She said, marveling at the carnage. 

Skulduggery scraped up some of the last remaining sauce with his fork pensively. It was red as blood. 

Skulduggery cleared his throat. 

“I doubt we’d have time.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes.”

She waited for him to elaborate, but he stayed frustratingly quiet. That was fine. If he wanted to be elusive and miss out a once in a lifetime (several lifetimes really) chance, then that was his choice. 

“Tell you what. I’m going to go check on your clothes. With any luck they should be done by now. And I’m going to buy you some chocolate.” 

By the time she got back downstairs the receptionist was back. He gave her a wink and waggled his eyebrows. She resisted the urge to punch him. 

Sure enough, clothes were dry and soft again, with not a fleck of lunch burrito on them. With a satisfied hum she bundled them under her arm and sought out the vending machine she thought she saw in the foyer. She picked him out a small range, unsure what he’d like, and a packet of potato chips for herself. 

When she opened the door to their room again she heard a hacking spluttering cough. Skulduggery was leaning over the kitchen sink, making horrible noises. 

“Did you choke on water while I was gone?”

“No.” He lied. 

“If you’re going to make a mess of me can you at least tie my hair back? I literally just washed it.”

Skulduggery pulled the hair tie from his wrist and tied it back viking style: the top section secure and the back part free to fall about his shoulders. It wasn’t a style she wore on herself. She thought it looked too much like a mullet in the mirror. But from behind it actually didn’t look so bad. 

“I got you a mars bar, a picnic and a cherry ripe. Oh and clothes.” 

Skulduggery took the clothes first. His first instinct was to head to the bathroom to change in private, but then he sighed and just let the towel drop where he stood and pulled the clothes on. Valkyrie chuckled, and Skulduggery shot her a unamused look. His bra seemed to have dried alright, but the underwear still seemed a bit damp. No matter, he could suffer the small discomfort. The man had been burned alive for christ’ sake. 

Skulduggery sat himself at the small dining table and unwrapped each bar individually, placing them in a row on a large white plate. 

“If you like peanuts you should start with the picnic.”

“I’m not certain I’ve ever had a peanut.”

“You’ve never had a peanut???” Valkyrie roared. She mimed her mind exploding. 

“Eat the picnic. Do it. Right now.” 

Skulduggery poked at the bar, looking very put upon. After the first bite he seemed quite invested. After the second he was practically enraptured. She waited till he’d polished that off and was investigating the mars bar to do what she was most looking forward to.

She casually picked up the potato chip bag and opened it. Skulduggery barely noticed, too busy struggling with nougat and caramel. Valkyrie reached into the bag and pulled out a potato chip. She placed it between her teeth. 

She crunched. 

Chip debris fell everywhere. She cackled with glee.

“What are you doing?”

Valkyrie snorted.

“Valkyrie, what on earth do you think you’re doing.”

Skulduggery’s voice was low and dangerous, but it was her own voice and the effect was hilarious.

Valkyrie cackled again and started cramming chips in her mouth.

“I’m the cookie monster! NYAM NYAM NYAM!”

“Valkyrie stop this at once!” 

Skulduggery tried to bat the bag out of her hands but she whipped it out of his reach just in time. Skulduggery stood and tried to tackle her but Valkyrie had the slight height advantage, and was making the most out of every millimetre. She started just pouring the bag towards her mouth while making her best impression of the sesame street character. 

“Stop! You’re getting crumbs in my ribcage” 

She just laughed more, feeling the potato falling down her collar and into her suit shirt. 

“Stop right now or I will mash this nougat into your hair.”

She paused. Crumbs fell out of her mouth.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Valkyrie, I am a war criminal.”

“You’re also a party pooper.”

With that they called a truce and Valkyrie waddled to the balcony, giggling all the way, and brushed herself clean of crumbs. The view wasn’t spectacular even though it was the penthouse suite, just very high. The wind however was gorgeous. She flexed her fingers with magic and let it flow through her. It took some concentration, but soon she could feel every eddy in the breeze, feel the flap of pigeon wings on the roof above her. She let the wind sweep her chip crumbs away, then let it take her over, like a wandering eye. She stretched her senses back into the apartment and felt the room out with the air. She felt the vague outline of the furniture, the change in temperature between the living areas and the bathroom. She felt her own body sitting at the table, surprisingly warm. She could make out a lot more detail of herself than she realised. The soft movement of her hair as it fell over her shoulder, the warm puffs of breath, the lighter hair on her arms and the back of her neck. 

If Valkyrie had blood and skin she might have blushed. It was a weirdly intimate way to see a person without them even noticing. What else could Skulduggery feel like this?

“Your magic is powerful.” She noted as she came back inside.

“So you think you could use it if we have to take down Knare?”

“Mmm. Maybe. I’d need some practice.”

“It was just as well you got the penthouse. You can practice on the roof”

Valkyrie nodded. It was a good idea. 

“The fire might attract some attention.”

“You’ll have to be careful. Water and air to start with, only a little bit of fire.”

“I think if it came to it I could relearn fire on the go. It was always the one that came easiest.” 

“Hopefully it won’t come to that. While you’re on the roof I’m going to do some research.” He took his phone from his pocket. “There’s bound to be someone who knows something about this, or where we can find Knare.” 

With a nod, Valkyrie returned to the balcony. 

She flexed her gloved hands again and felt the wind. Through her extended senses she could feel Skulduggery going back to settle at the table. She pulled the magic about herself and pushed down gently. She felt herself lift off the ground fractionally, polished leather shoes grazing the concrete. She wobbled, then focussed and re-established her balance. Bit by bit she lifted herself a little higher, until she was level with the rooftop. With an elegance borne of immense concentration, she gingerly stepped onto the roof.

The solid ground was a relief, but the successful journey to get there was more so. She remembered far more elemental magic than she thought, even all these years since her surge. It was a comforting feeling, being able to click and bring a flame to life, even if the sensation of the heat was dulled, if only it meant she could defend herself.

She stoked it to a roaring ball the size of a grapefruit, then clenched her fist to quench it. That would have to be the extent of her experimentation with her favourite element. No more playing with fire. 

Next she raised her arms in search of moisture. It was england, so of course it was dreary. Valkyrie sought out those tiny droplets that drifted on the breeze. After a few false starts she decided to take it a bit slower. She looked for a puddle with as little pigeon poop as possible. It took a few tries and a lot of remembering old conversations with Skulduggery to recall the feeling of controlling water. She repeated his old lessons like a mantra til she could feel those connections between atoms. 

She ventured a pull. As she raised her hand the water reluctantly followed her fingertips like a wobbly wire. Valkyrie gave a whoop of excitement. The water splashed to the ground. It was a small start, but it was something. 

She ran through the elements, going through the exercises that she could remember. After a number of rounds of movements she had made major progress. She checked her phone and hummed in surprise. It was technically morning. She must have worked for hours, and didn’t at all feel tired. The benefit of a skeletal body. 

She walked back to their balcony and lowered herself down using the air. It came to her much more naturally than when she’d first started. She let herself back into their room, the glass door clicking behind her. 

The room was surprisingly empty. Skulduggery wasn’t at the table. She checked the bathroom; he wasn’t there either. Valkyrie poked her head into the bedroom and couldn’t help but chuckle. Skulduggery lay on the bed, tucked beneath the soft hotel duvet. His phone was still in his hand, but he was clearly fast asleep. 

She crept over to him as best she could with her unwieldy limbs and gingerly took his phone from his hand. She placed it on the side table and turned off the side lamp. She got as far as the door when she heard a whimper. 

Valkyrie turned to check on him. 300 years without so much as a nap and the poor guy was unlucky enough to have a nightmare. She sighed, looked at the slightly furrowed brow. Valkyrie figured it made sense. She’d only been alive roughly 24 years and she had enough nightmare fuel to last her a lifetime. Skulduggery was far older, and while he hadn’t necessarily committed worse atrocities, there were certainly more of them. 

When the second whimper came however, Valkyrie grew confused. It was a noise that didn’t sound pained, or stressed. The way Skulduggery shifted between the sheets reminded her more of –

Skulduggery’s next whimper evolved into moan. 

Valkyrie strode into the kitchen and smushed her palms into her face. Was Skulduggery seriously getting hot and heavy in his sleep? In her body? What was she going to do? 

Another unholy sound echoed through the tiny hotel room. 

God, maybe the problem would sort itself out.   
But what if he started touching himself? 

Touching her?

There was a gasp from the room and she couldn’t help herself. She waltzed back in there, ready to face whatever it was was happening. 

Skulduggery lay there, eyes wide, arms on top of the blankets, hands clenched into tight fists. His head snapped towards her. An intense blush bloomed on his cheeks. 

“You okay?” Valkyrie ventured.

“Yes.”

“It’s just…”

“Yes.”

“You uh. Out loud.”

“Ah.”

Skulduggery was silent. He stared intently at the ceiling. 

“Maybe you should have a cold shower.”

“That would not help.”

She blanked on that. It always helped her out, it would help him. Unless…

“Oh my god. Your dream. It wasn’t – Me?” 

Skulduggery grew stiff like a frightened goat. 

Valkyrie doubled over in a laugh. She couldn’t help herself. 

“I don’t quite see what’s so funny.” 

“It’s really not,” she managed between hiccupping laughter, “But I – God, if you even knew!”

“Knew what?”

“Ahhh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. Just go splash some cold water on your face, I promise it will help.”

“Valkyrie, what don’t I know?” 

Her laughter slowly died. She looked at Skulduggery in the bed, flushed red. His pupils were blown out. Almost subconsciously she reached out with the air and felt the way his breath came hot and fast. She knew her own body. She knew the intensity of what he must be feeling. 

“I’ve been where you are.” She said, careful not to say more. 

“Yes?” He said. He swallowed hard. 

For a ghost of a heartbeat she teetered on the edge of indecision. But what could be stranger and more intimate than sharing each others bodies? A little bit of honesty?

“Oh, I’ve dreamt about you too.” She said, calmly, in a way she never would have been able to say with her heart pounding and blood rushing in her ears. It was a good thing she had neither heart nor blood. 

The way Skulduggery squirmed was immensely satisfying. She imagined the friction his body craved, and the eager amount of gratification that was brought with the movement of his clenched thighs. 

Valkyrie tried not to acknowledge the feeling of power seeing him like this gave her. It was intoxicating. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go wash your face?” She offered him an out still, but seeing him like this she knew he wasn’t going to take it. She knew she should be the responsible one in this situation. She was the one without the raging hormones, without the suddenly heightened senses. Skulduggery was intoxicated by them. And between the two of them she was the only one who’d had an orgasm in the last 300 years. But Valkyrie was still a rash and narcissistic creature, no matter what body she inhabited. 

“Or would you rather tell me about your dream?”

Valkyrie felt his breath hitch in the air. For a thousand-year second she hurtled into a pit of instant regret. Those 9 little words hung between them, taut with tension like a wire. 

“It was a good dream.” Skulduggery offered with an attempt at haughtiness. But the effect was ruined by how breathy the words were, and the desperation behind them. 

Now Valkyrie felt bold. 

“Did it begin with me walking towards you? Maybe saying, ‘Skulduggery, I want you.’?”

“Something in that vain.”

“God, on those nights where I lay in bed all alone while you sat in the other room, I wanted you.”

She slowly sauntered to the bed, delighting in his reaction as she entered his personal space. Valkyrie knelt on the mattress, threw a knee either side of his pelvis. She ground down a little with her hips. The noise he made was delightful.

“Did I let you touch me? Put yours hands all over me?” 

“Gods, yes” He moaned, though she suspected it was as much a reaction to her question as it was to her touch. 

“Lift your arms.” She ordered, and he immediately complied. 

She pulled his shirt over his head and took a moment to undo the clasp of her bra. 

“Touch yourself.” She said. 

Skulduggery’s breath hitched in his throat. He looked at her with those enormous eyes. 

“Go on. It’s my body, I want you to.”

He lifted a shaking hand to her body’s décolletage. His fingertips explored beyond the line of her bra to find the soft curve on her breast. He explored the skin slowly, watching her watch him. His eyes rolled back in his head. 

“You’re so soft.” He murmured, so quiet she almost couldn’t hear him.

Valkyrie tilted her head. She moved her gloved hand to his pelvis and palmed him through the duvet.

“Do you want to know what you did to me in my dreams?”

She worked her hand against him and he bucked into her hips. He swore, and gave the most pitiful of moans. 

“Yes.”

“Well,” she said, slipping a bra strap over his shoulder. Skulduggery hissed at the loss of friction, so she kept him satisfied by grinding against him with her hips. “I was always naked. Vulnerable. And you were there in your sharp tailored suit, all tall and intimidating.” 

She tore away the duvet from between them and started working on the button of her pants. 

“You’d look at me all hot and bothered, and chuckle that maddening and unfairly sexy chuckle, and kindly offer if I’d like any assistance.”

By now she had his pants around his ankles and he kicked them off the rest of the way. She worked his underwear off, but he didn’t help her with it. Suddenly he was shy. 

“There was no facade between us,” She added and tapped at her collarbones. The false face receded. “Just those impassive sockets that wouldn’t give me a clue as to where they were looking. And you know what?”

“What?” Skulduggery panted as she dragged a palm down his now bare belly.

“You used to wait just long enough til I begged for your touch.”

Skulduggery smiled through the fog of lust. Something she said must have been funny. 

“You know Skulduggery, I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“Valkyrie, for you I would beg.”

If Valkyrie had a heart it would have stopped. His words just spurred her recklessly onward. 

“Is that so?” She mused, rubbing a gentle thumb onto his clit. 

Skulduggery moaned and swore. He shoved a fist into his mouth to muffle the throaty sound. Valkyrie leaned over him as she massaged her slow pleasure into him. 

“You can scream if you want,” She whispered, “We have the penthouse.” 

Skulduggery laughed a strained laugh that devolved into another moan as she changed position to stroke his clit the way she knew she liked it. 

“Fuck, Valkyrie. That feels…”

“I know.” She smirked. 

She ran her other hand over his breasts and gave some special attention to his perky nipples. A light pinch elicited a delicious little whimper. 

“Were you thinking inappropriate thoughts when you were in the bath?”

“P-perhaps.” 

She tsked at him. Pinched a little harder at the nipple. Skulduggery just about yelped.

“Your body is so sensitive. Having your hands on me was like being on fire.” 

“It’s a lot like that.” She agreed. “This isn’t too much is it?” She cupped his breast and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“No. It’s good.”

“Like it a little rough?”

“Maybe, historically, somewhat.”

“You’ll let me know if I’ve gone too far, right?” She added some extra pressure at his clit. Just a little rough. No more than what she herself enjoyed. 

“Fuck, Valkyrie, yes.” 

She gave his breasts some reprieve to instead pull him close and tangle her hand in his hair. She gave it an experimental pull and received a satisfied hiss in return. 

“Good. God, you don’t even know what I’d be like if you had me pinned like this. I’d be a babbling mess. And just the thought of having you inside me…” 

She ran a finger up his seam. Skulduggery shivered beneath her. God, he was wet. 

“Please. Valkyrie, please.” 

“Skulduggery, you don’t need to beg.” She murmured in his ear, and slowly sunk a finger into him. 

Skulduggery made an unholy noise and bucked into her hand. He told her how good it felt as she slowly worked him, curling her long fingers inside to hit that deep spot. Her thumb worked him too, gently stroking her clit with immense self control. Skulduggery grasped at her lapels like they were the only thing anchoring him. His hips moved desperately against her hand, but she didn’t relent her measured pace. If it was his first orgasm in 300 years she wanted to make it worth it. 

“Faster,” He whimpered. “Fuck. Please Valkyrie, fuck me faster.”

“This is exactly how you did it in my dreams. You’d finger fuck me at your own leisure and no matter how I pleaded I couldn’t make you change your mind. Sometimes this was where I woke up, and I just had to lie there and fuck myself, wishing it was your fingers. And then I’d see you the next day, and you’d do that sexy chuckle and it was like you knew.”

“Christ Valkyrie, don’t make me fuck myself.”

“I’m not that cruel.” She reassured him, and began to pick up the pace. “Will you fuck me when I’m back in my body? Will you make me scream your name? Please, Skulduggery. I’ll beg.”

“Yes,” He babbled, “As many times as you want.” 

She began to get him off in earnest, palm pounding against his centre. He whimpered half formed words into her shirt. She whispered encouragement and tugged his long hair. 

“Skulduggery do you think you can cum for me? Cum with my fingers in you?”

He whimpered in the affirmative, bucking into her hand. His breath was coming hard and fast, his eyes glazed over. 

Then there was a flicker. It was Skulduggery’s hand’s pushing deep into her, skulduggery’s hands that were pulling her hair. She was madly teetering on that edge of hot insanity. She needed it deeper, needed it harder. 

A flicker and she was bones again, plunging between hot, slick lips. She barely thought, just gave in to that memory of need for more. She chased the feeling she momentarily craved and gave it to her partner harder. 

Skulduggery screamed into her shoulder, whole body pulsing. His walls quivered around her fingers and she gently guided him through the come down. She put her forehead against his and slowly returned to those aching measured strokes, then withdrew all together. 

Skulduggery lay back, chest heaving, looking absolutely spent. 

“You good?” She asked. 

“Yes.” 

“You sure?”

He said nothing so she waited til he caught his breath. 

Then Skulduggery reached out a hand and tapped at Valkyrie’s collarbones. The facade flowed over her face. And he kissed her. 

It was tender. The kiss of someone who was very tired. Valkyrie didn’t kiss back. She was caught too off guard. 

Skulduggery flopped back onto the mattress. He yawned. He blinked up at her, barely keeping his eyes open. 

“I’ve made love in a lot of different ways, but never like that.”

She chuckled. Of course Skulduggery didn’t “bang, or “fuck or “have sex”. He made love. 

“Think you’ll be able to get to sleep now?” 

“I think so.” 

“Good.”

Skulduggery wriggled back under the soft hotel sheets. He was still naked, but Valkyrie didn’t protest. He sighed softly into his pillow, hair fanned out dark against the pale bedspread. Valkyrie’s hand twitched with the desire to tuck a stray strand behind his ear. Instead she stood up and straightened up her clothes. 

“Valkyrie, can you…” She heard him murmur sleepily.

“Hm?”

“Never mind.”

“You want me to stay?” 

The words left her before she’d really thought about what they meant. It’s just what she would have wanted in his position.

She took off her shoes and lay beside him, coiled the unruly hair and tucked it away so she wouldn’t pull it. 

Her partner was asleep before she’d even fully settled. He snored softly. If he was at all concerned about what had just transpired between them it musn’t have affected him that much. 

Maybe that was something for their future selves to worry about. 

Valkyrie got out her phone and started to scroll through twitter. 

The quiet morning hours grew cold and lonely around her. For the first time since occupying Skulduggery’s body she felt the full weight of what it meant to be a body of bones and magic. No feeling, no sleep. Temperature and comfort meant little. The bundled form of her own body felt distant and foreign, like a solitary sparkling star in a bare night sky. She felt alone. 

Valkyrie found a website full of short stories and began to read. 

She wondered how a person could live like this and not go mad.


End file.
